Q: What did the constipated mathematician do? A: He worked it out with a pencil! Q: What's purple and commutes? A: An Abelian grape. Q: Why do you never hear the number 288 on television? A: It's two gross. Q: What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber? A: Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar. Q. How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb? A. 1, he gives the lightbulb to 3 engineers, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved joke. Q: What's big, grey, and proves the uncountability of the reals? A: Cantor's diagonal elephant. Q: What's yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? A: Zorn's Lemon. Q: What's yellow, normed, and complete? A: A Bananach space. Q: What is very old, used by farmers, and obeys the fundamental theorem of arithmetic? A: An antique tractorisation domain. Q: What is hallucinogenic and exists for every group with order divisible by p^k? A: A psilocybin p-subgroup. Q: What is often used by Canadians to help solve certain differential equations? A: the Lacrosse transform. Q: What is clear and used by trendy sophisticated engineers to solve other differential equations? A: The Perrier transform. Q: Who knows everything there is to be known about vector analysis? A: The Oracle of del phi! =======

Halfway through a recent airplane flight from Warsaw to New York, there was nearly a major disaster when the flight crew got sick from eating the fish. After they had passed out, one of the flight attendants asked over the intercom if there were any pilots in the cabin.

An elderly gentleman, who had flown a bit in the war, raised his hand and was rushed into the cockpit of the 747. When he got there, took the seat, and saw all the displays and controls, he realized he was in over his head. He told the flight attendant that he didn't think he could fly this plane. When asked why not, he replied,

"I am just a simple Pole in a complex plane"

So, they just had to rely on the method of steepest descents.

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You know that during the Great Flood, Noah brought along two of every species for reproductive purposes. Well, after a few weeks on the ark, all the couples were getting along fine, except for these two snakes. Day and night, Noah worried that this was going to mean the end of this species.

Finally when the flood ended and the ark hit ground, the two snakes darted out of the ship and headed to the nearest picnic table where they started to "go at it". It was then that Noah realized that...

Adders can't multiply without their log tables.